A change in analogy

I have seen it time and time again and you probably have to.

Some idiot goes on a forum or a Facebook page or just the comment section from a blog and starts being a dick.

Like a massive dick.  Just trolling and saying the most hateful things possible often with personal attacks.

So they get blocked, or their comments get deleted or they don't get published at all and they cry censorship.

Now a lot of people respond with "That's not censorship!  It's like coming into someone's house and calling them names."

The comeback is often about how it's not private at all it's a public space and it is censorship.

Well there is an element of truth in the comeback.

It's still not censorship, but it's not someone's house, but that doesn't make it public either.

Here is a better analogy.   Imagine a restaurant.  You go in and you don't like the service or you don't like the food.  What you can do is complain to the management and maybe even fellow diner at your table.

What you don't have the right to is 1. Disturb other people and 2. the right to stay inside.

What trolls often do is the equivalent of standing in the middle of the restaurant and screaming about how shit it is, or in other examples repeatedly being a creepy stalker to women in the restaurant.  Now here's the thing; If you did that management can and would kick you out and maybe even ban you....and in the real world they would probably call the police if you kept trying to get in and be a creepy jerk.  You have the right then to go to another restaurant and be a creepy jerk there...but probably the same thing would happen.  Hell if you were following say a group of women having a conversation on the street you would probably have the police called on you. No one will physically stop you from saying things, but you will have consequences for saying them. Now if you said them in your house or your own restaurant no one would be able to do a damn thing about it (but if you were being a creepy jerk in your own restaurant you wouldn't get a lot of women coming back).

You can argue that deleting comments or threads is different because it's wiping out everything you wrote but that's a childish argument.  This is the internet.  There is a record of everything it isn't censorship it's more like....if you put graffiti on the restaurant the restaurant can clean it off but it knows that wouldn't have prevented anyone from taking a picture of the graffiti...but just because you put it up doesn't mean it has an automatic right to stay on their page forever.  Basically if you can't get away with certain behaviour in a restaurant then you're not going to to get away with it on the internet.

Hell lets take an example of a real public space like a park, there are still rules.  If you follow someone around the park screaming abuse at them you will get arrested.  If you repeatedly follow and either harass or just follow like a creep a person you can get an injunction. If you graffiti an area it will be cleaned up and you may be fined.  If you flash people on the street you will get arrested etc etc.

The point is censorship is only when the government is preventing you from speaking or writing about specific things even in the privacy of your own home. You are free do whatever you want in the real world but there are consequences and there are rules and there are other people who have the freedom to decide they don't give about what you want to say.

So lets stop comparing it to a home and compare it actual places in public like a restaurant.  It's more accurate and maybe will get the point across better.

The Right to rest

A lot is made about how good it is to keep fighting and "Even if you fail it's okay as long as you give 110% everyday" and that's great and all but it's a problem as well.

Yes you should try and the message to not give up and to keep trying is a good one, but there needs to be a dialogue about this flip side.

It's also okay to know when to stop.

It's okay to take a day off.

It's okay to sleep in, to skip a day of studying because you're sick and you need to recuperate, to skip a day at the gym because you're tired to have a piece of cake because you're sad.

It's okay to just have a break.  Hell it's okay to give up if what you've been trying for turns out not to be what you want.

So much is made of how much you work that when you find that you HAVE to stop and recuperate or take a break instead of enjoying the break and relaxing you're so consumed with guilt that the good it should have done is negated. Then because you still don't have the energy you take another day or whatever and the guilt is doubled and the benefit less.

We need to remind ourselves and each other that no one can be fighting or trying or working or studying all the time.  We all need to rest and recuperate and we need to allow each other and ourselves that that's okay.

It's actually the same with mood.  No one can be happy all of the time, sometimes we get fed up and we need a moan or a cry or whatever and that is okay.  We no one is positive all of the time and we shouldn't try to be.  It's not healthy.  It's like couple who say they never fight, I kind of side-eye them because if you're in a relationship the chances are you piss off your partner and they piss you off occasionally but if you can't hash it out it only builds.

My husband and I rarely have big fights but they few we've had have been resolved fairly quickly because we worked it out.  I remember saying to him early on and I would rather he say something to me as soon as it started bothering him rather then letting it fester.  It's actually gotten to the point that if something has been allowed to fester when we do bring it up we start it with "This is partly my fault, I should have said something the first time." and we work it out.  Usually when we fight it's over small things but it's healthy to have it out.

It's okay to be sad, it's okay to  be frustrated it's okay to give up a project you no longer enjoy, it's okay to take a break and it's okay to rest. We're human, not machines.

Who I am now

Sometimes when I stop and look back at my life I'm astonished at the person I am now.  5 years ago the person I was was very different to who I am now.  I wouldn't have been able to imagine myself as an OU student, or at having friendships with more then a handful of people.  

I wouldn't have believed that I could find an exercise that made me feel good, or that I could come to terms (on the whole) with how I look.

I wouldn't have believed that I could be reaching out to others, signing up for the friends group, or generally being part of the world.

I wouldn't have believed I could do anything that I do now.

It's not easy I often doubt myself, imagine that I'm failing at everything, imagine that everyone secretly hates me.  I often feel I'm ugly and unworthy because of my weight.  I often feel ill at ease with the world.

I still find being social...difficult.  I like it and I like the people I know and have become friendly with.  Everyone from the mums at school to my fellow classmates...but being social does not come naturally to me so I find it enjoyable but exhausting.  I often struggle to understand simple social cues or subtle facial expressions so every conversation is a mental exercise for me.  I have to be careful not to over do it, just as I do with physical exercise.  I'm still learning the balance but I'm glad I'm better able to do it now.

My life has gotten more complex and certainly busier than it was 5 years ago and every change I've made is a struggle to maintain but it's worth it.  I know it is because I know how richer my life is now.  Even now when the darkness inside my head is extremely loud and I feel a wave of hopelessness and apathy and self loathing wash over me...even when that happens....it lacks the power of me it once did.  

In the past I was a danger to myself now it's more along the lines of not having the strength of will to get the washing up done.  That's a huge change.  No matter how dark it gets in my head I don't have the worrying thoughts or feelings for self harm.  That is very reassuring.