What I want for Christmas

I just turned 32 and had a really great birthday.

Like just the best.

It was great not because I got a ton of presents or what have you.  It was great because of the family around me. The book I received from my parents was great not because it was good (though it's an awesome gift) but because my Mom clearly thought of me and what I love when choosing it.  The chocolate bears from my son were special because he was so excited to give them to me.  The rest of the day was spent with my in-laws and spending quality time with them which was great.  They are my family just as much as my parents and sisters are.  I even got some wonderful quality time with my niece which was wonderful. Following that up with a phonecall to my parents and my grandmother was really great.

 Presents are just things, those connections with the people I love is worth far far more than any gift.

I am really lucky I have so many fabulous people in my life that care about me.

I'm so very grateful not only that I have them, but that I can appreciate that they care about me. Anyone who has suffered from depression knows how hard it is to believe that you have value, that people care about it.  To understand that I am loved and to accept that as true is huge for me. I am glad I have that.

To all of my family and friends, know that I love you.  You matter to me, you are important to me and I care so deeply about you all. Please love yourself.  You deserve it.

That's what I want for Christmas, for all my friends and family to know that they are loved and that they deserve love and can accept love.  Because every last one of you deserve happiness, love and kindness.

As this year closes

For the last few years in December I have come up with a list of good things about the previous year. Each year it grew to match the years number.  So 2010 I made a list of 10 things and 2011 I made a list of a 11 things and so on.  

It was a good and helpful tool in perspective. This year I'm going to do things slightly differently. 

This has in a lot of ways been a shitty year.  A lot of people I love have been in hospital and at the time of writing one death this last year, there may be another before years end. That makes it hard to make a list of good things when so much sadness happened.

I'm still going to do my list of 15 good things about 2015 but I'm going to do it later and with my family.   What I'm going to do for me is instead reflect on the positive changes I made in my life in the last year by examining my fears and obstacles and how I over came them.  So here we go:

Fear of Failure: A lot of my life has been characterised by my fear of failing.  At times in my life it got so bad I froze and lost my ability to try.  Last year I took the plunge and started with the Open University as a part time student in order to get my degree in History. This year I completed my first level one course in May in adverse conditions.  I not only passed but I had good marks.  If I had let my fear of failure rule me I never would have even begun it.  I learned courage.

Fear of Asking for Help/Admitting Limits: I have been ambitious this year and tired to be active on the Friends committee at my child's school as well as continuing my education and redecorating the house.  However, instead of letting my sense of obligation let me run my health into the ground I have tried to express to my family, the people of the friends group, and my tutor that sometimes I can't do what I said I would do or that I need to take a step back.  It always sucks when I do that but I am speaking up when I need to instead of crashing.  No one has made me feel bad for doing that and I have been able to do at least some instead of crashing and being bed bound. I have learned trust.

Self Doubt: I have believed horrible things about myself for a lot of my life and a lot of that is believing that I'm a failure, or worthless, or a fuck up. I passed my schooling, I have supported my family emotionally and I have been able to organise and help around the house as much as I am capable of which is more than I had previously believed.  Every time my depression tries to tell me that I'm worthless I remind my self of what I have accomplished. I learned to believe in myself.

My life has improved remarkably in the last year I am much more confident, much stronger and much happier in general than I used to be.  A lot of this year was shitty but a lot of personal growth and friendship and love and happiness to.  I'm glad I was able to see more than the dark and maybe that's the biggest obstacle I've overcome.  During the years of depression I could only see the darkness around me and was unable to see the good things.  Now I can see both and the good makes the bad easier to bear.  So I'm thankful I see life more clearly than I used to. 

The Right to rest

A lot is made about how good it is to keep fighting and "Even if you fail it's okay as long as you give 110% everyday" and that's great and all but it's a problem as well.

Yes you should try and the message to not give up and to keep trying is a good one, but there needs to be a dialogue about this flip side.

It's also okay to know when to stop.

It's okay to take a day off.

It's okay to sleep in, to skip a day of studying because you're sick and you need to recuperate, to skip a day at the gym because you're tired to have a piece of cake because you're sad.

It's okay to just have a break.  Hell it's okay to give up if what you've been trying for turns out not to be what you want.

So much is made of how much you work that when you find that you HAVE to stop and recuperate or take a break instead of enjoying the break and relaxing you're so consumed with guilt that the good it should have done is negated. Then because you still don't have the energy you take another day or whatever and the guilt is doubled and the benefit less.

We need to remind ourselves and each other that no one can be fighting or trying or working or studying all the time.  We all need to rest and recuperate and we need to allow each other and ourselves that that's okay.

It's actually the same with mood.  No one can be happy all of the time, sometimes we get fed up and we need a moan or a cry or whatever and that is okay.  We no one is positive all of the time and we shouldn't try to be.  It's not healthy.  It's like couple who say they never fight, I kind of side-eye them because if you're in a relationship the chances are you piss off your partner and they piss you off occasionally but if you can't hash it out it only builds.

My husband and I rarely have big fights but they few we've had have been resolved fairly quickly because we worked it out.  I remember saying to him early on and I would rather he say something to me as soon as it started bothering him rather then letting it fester.  It's actually gotten to the point that if something has been allowed to fester when we do bring it up we start it with "This is partly my fault, I should have said something the first time." and we work it out.  Usually when we fight it's over small things but it's healthy to have it out.

It's okay to be sad, it's okay to  be frustrated it's okay to give up a project you no longer enjoy, it's okay to take a break and it's okay to rest. We're human, not machines.

Who I am now

Sometimes when I stop and look back at my life I'm astonished at the person I am now.  5 years ago the person I was was very different to who I am now.  I wouldn't have been able to imagine myself as an OU student, or at having friendships with more then a handful of people.  

I wouldn't have believed that I could find an exercise that made me feel good, or that I could come to terms (on the whole) with how I look.

I wouldn't have believed that I could be reaching out to others, signing up for the friends group, or generally being part of the world.

I wouldn't have believed I could do anything that I do now.

It's not easy I often doubt myself, imagine that I'm failing at everything, imagine that everyone secretly hates me.  I often feel I'm ugly and unworthy because of my weight.  I often feel ill at ease with the world.

I still find being social...difficult.  I like it and I like the people I know and have become friendly with.  Everyone from the mums at school to my fellow classmates...but being social does not come naturally to me so I find it enjoyable but exhausting.  I often struggle to understand simple social cues or subtle facial expressions so every conversation is a mental exercise for me.  I have to be careful not to over do it, just as I do with physical exercise.  I'm still learning the balance but I'm glad I'm better able to do it now.

My life has gotten more complex and certainly busier than it was 5 years ago and every change I've made is a struggle to maintain but it's worth it.  I know it is because I know how richer my life is now.  Even now when the darkness inside my head is extremely loud and I feel a wave of hopelessness and apathy and self loathing wash over me...even when that happens....it lacks the power of me it once did.  

In the past I was a danger to myself now it's more along the lines of not having the strength of will to get the washing up done.  That's a huge change.  No matter how dark it gets in my head I don't have the worrying thoughts or feelings for self harm.  That is very reassuring.

Everyone with depression and or anxiety deals with it in different ways.  One of my ways is imagining this sort of conversation between my Anxiety, Depression and my Sensible stuff.

Depression: "Heeeyyy Anxiety.  You know I heard everyone is laughing at you...."

Anxiety: "Really? OH MY GOD."

Sensible: "OBJECTION where is your evidence for this Depression?"

Depression: "Oh I have my sources...."

Anxiety: *whimper*

Sensible: "Oh please! You're a known liar Depression.  Come on Anxiety ignore her, she's just trying to upset you."

Anxiety: "Can we *sniff* can we do something nice."

Sensible: "Yes, how would you like a nap?"

Anxiety: "I...I'd like that thank you...."

Depression: "HEY GET BACK HERE! I'M NOT DONE MAKING YOU FEEL BAD!"

Sensible: *leads Anxiety away while flipping off Depression with both hands.*

It helps me deal for some weird reason.