For the last few years in December I have come up with a list of good things about the previous year. Each year it grew to match the years number. So 2010 I made a list of 10 things and 2011 I made a list of a 11 things and so on.
It was a good and helpful tool in perspective. This year I'm going to do things slightly differently.
This has in a lot of ways been a shitty year. A lot of people I love have been in hospital and at the time of writing one death this last year, there may be another before years end. That makes it hard to make a list of good things when so much sadness happened.
I'm still going to do my list of 15 good things about 2015 but I'm going to do it later and with my family. What I'm going to do for me is instead reflect on the positive changes I made in my life in the last year by examining my fears and obstacles and how I over came them. So here we go:
Fear of Failure: A lot of my life has been characterised by my fear of failing. At times in my life it got so bad I froze and lost my ability to try. Last year I took the plunge and started with the Open University as a part time student in order to get my degree in History. This year I completed my first level one course in May in adverse conditions. I not only passed but I had good marks. If I had let my fear of failure rule me I never would have even begun it. I learned courage.
Fear of Asking for Help/Admitting Limits: I have been ambitious this year and tired to be active on the Friends committee at my child's school as well as continuing my education and redecorating the house. However, instead of letting my sense of obligation let me run my health into the ground I have tried to express to my family, the people of the friends group, and my tutor that sometimes I can't do what I said I would do or that I need to take a step back. It always sucks when I do that but I am speaking up when I need to instead of crashing. No one has made me feel bad for doing that and I have been able to do at least some instead of crashing and being bed bound. I have learned trust.
Self Doubt: I have believed horrible things about myself for a lot of my life and a lot of that is believing that I'm a failure, or worthless, or a fuck up. I passed my schooling, I have supported my family emotionally and I have been able to organise and help around the house as much as I am capable of which is more than I had previously believed. Every time my depression tries to tell me that I'm worthless I remind my self of what I have accomplished. I learned to believe in myself.
My life has improved remarkably in the last year I am much more confident, much stronger and much happier in general than I used to be. A lot of this year was shitty but a lot of personal growth and friendship and love and happiness to. I'm glad I was able to see more than the dark and maybe that's the biggest obstacle I've overcome. During the years of depression I could only see the darkness around me and was unable to see the good things. Now I can see both and the good makes the bad easier to bear. So I'm thankful I see life more clearly than I used to.
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