Who I am now

Sometimes when I stop and look back at my life I'm astonished at the person I am now.  5 years ago the person I was was very different to who I am now.  I wouldn't have been able to imagine myself as an OU student, or at having friendships with more then a handful of people.  

I wouldn't have believed that I could find an exercise that made me feel good, or that I could come to terms (on the whole) with how I look.

I wouldn't have believed that I could be reaching out to others, signing up for the friends group, or generally being part of the world.

I wouldn't have believed I could do anything that I do now.

It's not easy I often doubt myself, imagine that I'm failing at everything, imagine that everyone secretly hates me.  I often feel I'm ugly and unworthy because of my weight.  I often feel ill at ease with the world.

I still find being social...difficult.  I like it and I like the people I know and have become friendly with.  Everyone from the mums at school to my fellow classmates...but being social does not come naturally to me so I find it enjoyable but exhausting.  I often struggle to understand simple social cues or subtle facial expressions so every conversation is a mental exercise for me.  I have to be careful not to over do it, just as I do with physical exercise.  I'm still learning the balance but I'm glad I'm better able to do it now.

My life has gotten more complex and certainly busier than it was 5 years ago and every change I've made is a struggle to maintain but it's worth it.  I know it is because I know how richer my life is now.  Even now when the darkness inside my head is extremely loud and I feel a wave of hopelessness and apathy and self loathing wash over me...even when that happens....it lacks the power of me it once did.  

In the past I was a danger to myself now it's more along the lines of not having the strength of will to get the washing up done.  That's a huge change.  No matter how dark it gets in my head I don't have the worrying thoughts or feelings for self harm.  That is very reassuring.